[1] Keeping Secrets

[Original Essay]

 Secrets.  A soft whisper here, and a sly, mischievous smile there[2] .  This act is a part of human nature used as a defense mechanism or source of power.  However, secrecy is only harmful when meant for self-serving purpose.  [3] 

            Consider the catastrophe involving the energy company, Enron.  In the course of the downfall of the business, little was known until the events which followed.  Now it is undeniably the conceit and lies used to cover the scandalous actions of the powerful position holders.  The result and hurt of the numerous employees, the loss of jobs and savings, all occurred due to the obscuration of truth.  The culprits of this operation obviously had no thoughts but their own gain and used secrecy as a deadly weapon.  [4] 

            Contrastingly, the secret regarding the atomic bomb was beneficial to all people in America as well as bringing an end to the second world war in the Asian-theatre.  Code named “the Manhattan Project”, the quest for creating the atomic bomb was hidden from the general public for a wise reason.  Not only would panic and chaos erupt from news of the mass destruction weapon, coverage by the media would instantly destroy the element of surprise for the nation. [5]  This unselfish and well thought out step aided this country and helped put an end to the horrid war. [6] Even to the moment the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshema and Nagasaki, only the president and few select officers knew of the action.  The president personally revealed later, wanted to protect the soldiers releasing the bomb from the guilt of such destruction.  The secrecy behind the atomic bomb was necessary and was more beneficial than harmful.  [7] 

            Secrecy is a tool to be judged by purpose and as seen in events concerning Enron and the atomic bomb, not in the action itself.  Contrary to popular belief, truth is not always “good” just as hiding the truth isn’t “bad”.  Only the person and the purpose can justify either choice in life.   [8] 


Keeping Secrets

[Edited Essay]

Secrets - [9] a soft whisper here [10] and a sly, mischievous smile there.  This act is the part of human nature that is used as a source of power [11] or as a defense mechanism.  However, secrecy can be harmful when meant for self-serving purposes. 

Consider the catastrophe involving the energy company, Enron.  In the course of the downfall of the business, little was known until the following[12]  events were revealed[13] . Undeniably, [14] conceit and lies were used[15]  to cover the scandalous actions of the powerful position holders.  The result and hurt of the numerous employees, the loss of jobs and savings, all occurred due to the obscuration of truth.  The culprits of this operation obviously had no thoughts but for[16]  their own gain and used secrecy as a deadly weapon[17] .

Contrastingly, deadly weapons have been created under secrecy that actually brought about societal benefits.  [18] The secret behind the atomic bomb was beneficial to all people in America because it brought an end to World War II [19] in the Asian-theatre.  Code named “the Manhattan Project”, the quest for creating the atomic bomb was hidden from the general public for a wise reason.  Not only would panic and chaos erupt from news of the mass destruction weapon, coverage by the media would instantly destroy the element of surprise for the nation.  This unselfish and well thought out step aided this country and helped put an end to the horrid war. Even at[20]  the moment the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshema and Nagasaki, only the president and a few select officers knew of the action.  The president personally revealed later he[21]  wanted to protect the soldiers releasing the bomb from the guilt of such destruction.  The secrecy behind the atomic bomb was necessary and was more beneficial than harmful. 

Since history shows how secrecy can be used as a tool, we should judge it in terms of its purpose not just as an action in and of itself. [22] Contrary to popular belief, truth may not always be “good” just as hiding the truth may not always be “bad”.  The purpose of the person justifies whether either choice will result in the act being a benefit or harm to society. [23]   Therefore, the human nature of an action holds precedence when we judge the right or wrongness of secrecy.  [24] 


 [1] Overall, the two examples used in this essay support the writer’s point of view and are good choices b/c they are well-known events in history that any reader can relate to. 
 [2] This opening statement is captivating and vividly portrays the look of a secret.
 [3] A fine articulated position, followed by supportive examples. 
 [4] An excellent causal statement used to describe the first developed idea.
 [5] A good example of sentences that move between the broad and the specific.  
 [6] Second developed idea in a causal statement, which contrasts the first developed idea. 
 [7] Third developed idea.  
 [8] These thought-provoking ideas add a rich quality to the conclusion. 
 [9] For a complete sentence, either use a dash or parentheses to isolate the break or change in thought.  Grammar edit.
 [10] Omit comma before a conjunction that connects compound predicates.  Punctuation edit.
 [11]Assuming this phrase refers to Enron, rearranged to match the order of examples in the following paragraphs.  Organizational edit.
 [12]Preposition ‘following’ placed before the object ‘events’. 
 [13] Maintains the past tense in the sentence.
 [14]Omit the phrase ‘Now it is’ before and ‘the’ after ‘undeniably’ to make the sentence more concise and clear.
 [15] Insert ‘were’ (linking verb) to link the subject ‘lies’ with the verb ‘used’. 
 [16] Insert ‘for’ preposition.
 [17] Interestingly, this concept could have been used to transition into the next paragraph. 
 [18] Inserted a broad topic sentence (transitioned from ‘deadly weapons idea’) for this paragraph.
 [19] Capitalize as a proper noun and rephrased for conciseness (eliminating the need for ‘the’).
 [20] Replace ‘to’ with ‘at’ prepositional word.
 [21] Insert ‘he’ as the pronoun which clarifies the rest of the sentence (in which case the comma can then be omitted).
 [22]This opening sentence of the conclusion would maintain the ‘causal’ types of ideas you derived from your writing (a causal opening sentence).  No need to restate Enron and atomic bomb since it is implied here.  Conclusions should be as far-reaching as possible.  The reader wants to learn something new.  They want to come away saying something like, “I never thought of it like that before!"
 [23] This expands on the idea to clarify it.  Steps: 1) Reread all three developed ideas. 2) Try to use the same terminology ‘benefit’ and ‘harm'. 3) Write a broad sentence that applies the developed ideas to the general public.  
 [24] The writer's unique, broad statement after critically thinking about the developed ideas.


Need for Other People

[Original Essay]

Human beings by nature are social creatures from the time of their creation.

        Why did God designate Eve to be with Adam?  Beside the need for reproduction, it is obvious that humans need each other to truly discover who they are.

        Consider the delightful tale about the motley gang of young boys stranded on an island in the novel The Lord of The Flies.  Ralph, the protagonist of the story and the reluctant leader gathers the boys and devise plans of escape.  Survival was of utmost importance and only when the other boys appointed Ralph as the “chief”, this blond-haired boy knew not his place nor his potential.  Due to the aid of the other boys, Ralph discovered courage, leadership, and strength in himself that he did not know he possessed. Through interaction with other human peers was Ralph able to clearly view his own being and eventually get rescued from the deadly island.

        In a different scenario, this concept still applies.  During the joyous event of my cousin’s wedding, there took place the ceremonious exchange of vows.  As a die-hard romantic, certain words stuck with me like bubble gum to hair.  “…I am complete now.  I was blind until you found my glasses. Literally.”  Having grown up together my cousin and I were naturally close.  He later confided that he could not see himself because he was standing too close.  Only through my new in-law was he able to see his reflection and take in himself, whole and complete.  Since then, I gave had time to reflect upon this matter and discovered quite the same about the entire human race.

        Whether friend, family, or lover, people need others to not only survive but simply to see clearly!  The undeniable truth stands with firm evidence in literature and everyday life that self-discovery takes two.


Need for Other People

[Edited Essay]

Human beings by nature are social creatures from the time of their creation. Why did God designate Eve to be with Adam?  Beside the need for reproduction, it is obvious that humans need each other to truly discover who they are.[1]

Consider the delightful tale about the motley gang of young boys stranded on an island in the novel The Lord of The Flies.  [2] Ralph, the protagonist of the story and the reluctant leader gather[3]  the boys and devise plans of escape.  Survival was of utmost importance and only when the other boys appointed Ralph as the “chief”, this blond-haired boy knew not his place or[4]  his potential.  Due to the aid of the other boys, Ralph discovered courage, leadership, and strength in himself that he did not know he possessed. Through interaction with other human peers Ralph was [5] able to clearly view his own being and eventually get rescued from the deadly island.[6] 

In a different scenario, this concept still applies.  During the joyous event of my cousin’s wedding, there took place the ceremonious exchange of vows.  [7] As a die-hard romantic, certain words stuck with me like bubble gum to hair.  “…I am complete now.  I was blind until you found my glasses, [8] literally.”  Having grown up together my cousin and I were naturally close.  He later confided that he could not see himself because he was standing too close.  Only through my new in-law was he able to see his reflection and take in himself, whole and complete.  Since then, I have had time to reflect upon this matter and discovered quite the same about the entire human race.[9] 

Whether friend, family, or lover, people need others to not only survive but simply to see clearly!  This[10]  undeniable truth stands with firm evidence in literature and everyday life that self-discovery takes two[11] .  The change and growth that can be seen throughout human history is attributed to the social interactions between one’s self and others; therefore, this self-discovery directly affects the progress of human evolution. Actually, if it were not for self-discovery our human race would cease to evolve, and would rather only exist generation after generation.    [12]  



 [1] Merged the first two paragraphs into one.   Fine thesis statement.
 [2]  Well-written transitional sentence.
 [3]  Minor grammatical tense change: singular word ‘gather’ consistent with the singular ‘devise’ in this sentence.
 [4]   Minor grammatical word change from ‘nor’ to ‘or’.
 [5]  Reversed ‘was Ralph’ to ‘Ralph was’ for clarity.
 [6]  First developed idea.
 [7] Good transition from the previous paragraph.
 [8]  Merged the two sentences and inserted a comma b/c ‘literally’ by itself would not be a complete sentence.
 [9]  Second developed idea.
 [10]  Changed ‘The’ to ‘This’ to maintain transitional clarity for the reader. 
 [11] A well-written conclusion, although there needs to be at least one more sentence here.  Remember if you’re stumped…when you’re trying to fully develop a conclusion…..ask WHY.  
 [12] Here are a couple additional sentences that were constructed after asking myself why do we need ‘two’ to not only survive but also discover ourselves.  Notice how I took your phrase ‘Human beings by nature are social creatures’ and expanded on it, based on your two developed ideas.