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Why My Job Needs Me
The busy bee worker is just that: BUSY so let ‘em BEE. This worker is happy producing a product until disturbed. Anything can disturb this person: A radio, someone singing in the rain, or merely a busted note at their desks. The noise of drilling outside, laughter too early in the morning or an occasional joke will cause this busy bee to sting with little mercy. The only way to keep from being stung after you have provoked this creature is to say “UNCLE” really loudly and then duck. It doesn't do much for you, but it buys you that split second before the busy bee's left hook connects to your jaw bone. Yes, the same jaw bone that is connected to your neck bone.
Many members of the gangsta worker class run to bathrooms, broom closets and hallway meetings in efforts to devise their next plan of attack. All day long, they throw up their gang signs - signals that only they recognize or understand. Recently, the Department of Homeland Security issued a warning, raising their status from “high” to “gossipy,” the highest terror level ever. President Bush has issued playing cards with photos of their desks and the work they completed last week. If cornered by these individuals, remain calm and wear a tie the next day.
Your sneaky sleeper workers never appear to be asleep. They are actually quietly getting the job done with methodic efficiency. Careful though if you decide you want to say something mean about another co-worker, because the very moment you finish your sentence of malice and hate, the sound of the ruffling of a coat in the room, a complimentary cough of professional courtesy or a casual sigh of indignation will all be indication enough that not only the walls will tell your story, but you might end up in the boss' office before the day is up. Always remember to ask the sneaky sleeper to leave the room and wait down the hall while another worker stands guard if you intend to spew venom of deceit or deception. Many of these worker types have been known to hide under desks, behind doors and in office refrigerators, all time still working away on their deadlines.
The lazy lizard-workers are common. They have an appearance of work, but lack all evidence thereof. They seem, by the naked eye to be working, but a closer look at this type of office worker will reveal his/her true nature of disguise. While others are diligently working, this worker is preparing the great escape from the office through many personal calls that sound like business related discussions. Watch this one though, because after a while his/her pattern becomes very predictable. To catch them in the act of abuse of company time, slowly move toward this person's workspace and yell “BOO” at the top of your voice. Whatever illegal website they had opened will close promptly and they will begin working again. If this doesn't work the first time, repeat steps one and two.
Lastly, there is the work horse worker. That's the one that rarely speaks, but always seems to be working away on some project. Everybody claims to be this type of worker, but few ever make it close to the stable. This is not the average worker in that, little training is necessary, and though a horse of a worker indeed, it is not safe to ride them. They are best when left to their passions: usually work. A friend once asked this worker type out, and all he got was a neigh…and a saddle which he now wears to work!
As I walked briskly to my car, I noticed many of my co-workers riding off into the wild blue yonder. In Houston , this is gray. Several threw up hand signs, a few buzzed away; at least one neighed while some were never spotted leaving at all. I reached for my keys and counted to 8. No one saw me as I too buzzed away quietly excited about Monday's project. So deep in thought was I that a car leaving the lot honked at me with blaring rap music with offensive lyrics. It was one I took to be a gangsta worker waving the hand signal at me profusely with moving lips. I kindly threw up my hand signal too, and sighed <<This job really needs me.>>
By S. John Batiste, M. Ed
February 21, 2004